User talk:UmbraRex
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the File:"MARY'S LITTLE WORLD" sad creepy music box song page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. You can also read some of the best stories our wiki has to offer by checking out Suggested Reading. Finally, you can check out stories written by authors of the wiki in User Stories. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 11:55, June 22, 2019 (UTC) There were widespread capitalization, punctuation, run-on sentences, wording, and plot issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:08, June 22, 2019 (UTC) Story :Alright, I am going to go through your points and give them consideration as I review this story. That being said, trying to explain the errors rather than fixing them is not the best approach so I will be turning down this appeal at the end as all of the errors are still present. :"The widespread capitalization was only in moment's where the character was screaming or where their voice had changed to a more demonic darker tone, some horror writers use it as well." :I'm sorry, but you're overlooking a lot of capitalization issues here. Does the dialogue explanation also cover the numerous times you fail to properly capitalize words that need to be capitalized and capitalize words that shouldn't in the writing itself? "i (I) hope the creator would be willing to choose it as the official story for it", "Mary lived with her Mother (mother shouldn't be capitalized here as it's not being used as a proper noun.) and father", "i am sorry, i tried to keep you safe, but they made me kill myself, the voices, i relive", etc. You could try to argue that the errors in dialogue were intentional, but with them peppered throughout the story itself (sometimes even failing to properly capitalize sentences themselves), it doesn't really work as an explanation. :"Punctuation that is widespread? As far as i know i used comma's after every proper way, yes sometimes i used them to divide parts of the story to let the reader know to remember that information, it is something most book writers use as well." :It is very widespread. You attempt to use commas as periods numerous times throughout the story leading to massive run-on sentences that negatively impact the story flow (see below). You also forget to use apostrophes with possessive words. "they heard the girl(')s music box playing", "written in their daughters hand", etc. You also don't use punctuation when introducing dialogue and frequently fail to properly use commas. "the father said(comma/colon missing) "She is our little girl.. we need to help her."", "she sat up and got out of bed and asked.(should be a comma or colon as it's the continuation of a sentence) "D-darling(comma missing) what is wrong?"", "Gerald(comma missing) what are you doing?!", " Mary(,) are you okay?!"", etc. :"Run-on Sentences, you mean like putting those comma's there to keep a line going but allowing the reader rest as the comma is supposed to stand for stop reading for half a second and rest your eyes that time, while a . is supposed to mean to be a few seconds. However when someone uses the "..." behind a line, it is the character either letting the word fall slowly rather then (sic) end abruptly." :A comma signifies a brief pause whereas a period is a full stop. Having sentences that take up the entire paragraph do not work in the story's favor as it impacts the story's flow. Try reading the 'two' sentences I copy/pasted from your story below in a single breath. Here's a guide on run-on sentences to help explain the issue. :"The girl smiled only at day, but she stood outside of her home every day after school,(.) she was a good girl, no one bullied her, but her parents were worried about her,(.) for everyday she stood for tens of minutes outside of their gate, staring at the house looking from room to room,(.) her eyes seemed so dark in those moments, as if life had abandoned her very soul, as if she had nothing to live for,(.) she then almost nearing an hour of time every day started to move, her hands unlocking the gate, and she would enter.," "Mary sat every night on the same carpet floor, rocking back and forth, talking to herself, or was there someone with her, the lock on her room had a cover on it, and her parent's respected her so they did not look, sometimes in the middle of the night they heard the girls music box playing, they wondered why the happy tunes sounded so scary, as if the joy had been taken from it, the tunes turned darker and deeper every night, and sometimes, they could see shadows dancing at their door, but what truly terrified them, was that today, their little girl's voice sounded slightly distorted at night when she knocked on the door.", etc. :"Wording? What do you mean wording? I know the story was written in under an hour but i used very careful words and grammar to make sure it was fitting, not going too heinous with my writing was a part of that."' :I meant awkward wording and grammatical issues in particular. There are a lot of instances of awkward wording here. Please try reading these lines aloud to see how unnaturally they come off: "her white dresses always made her seem like the purest girl of all, but she knew the facade was there, that she lies to everyone, now why would she think that?", "as if she had nothing to live for, she then almost nearing an hour of time every day started to move, her hands unlocking the gate, and she would enter.", "in the dark room there was a fog and a cold air, when they looked around they stood baffled at the door that was supposed to connect to her bathroom", etc. A general rule of thumb is to read your story aloud to yourself and if anything comes off as awkward, stilted, or makes you stumble as you're reading it; then that is what generally needs to be corrected. :Grammatical issues: You tend to misuse it's/its (conjunction it is/possessive) and their/there/they're (their=possessive, there=indicatory, they're=conjunction for they are/were): "the music box sounds it's notes." and "they saw their daughter standing their (there)" are the two most notable. There are also quite a lot of spelling errors here. :"Plot issue's? What plot issue's were there? It is a mid told story, where the information is given to the reader while also giving them the information ONLY when it is truly needed." :The story is incredibly rushed and fails to really build up any sense of tension. The numerous spelling and instances of awkward wording contribute to its hastily told manner. This feels like something that was written in an hour and hastily thrown up without any proof-reading or revising. :Plot inconsistencies: Lines like this: ""Mother, father, i am sorry, i tried to keep you safe, but they made me kill myself, the voices, i relive this with you at the same time, please, find a way to escape."" don't fit with the description of the daughter's death: "their baby girl, strung up with her arms wide and legs crossed into a sickening display, her legs were twisted into a drill like motion and burned together, her chest was bare and the skin was removed, her eyes were gauged out and her fingers removed, she hang there from a gallow, but then they looked at her head, which was covered by something, and then they realised it, it was the head of their female dog". Are you implying she killed herself by stringing herself up, gouging out her eyes, flaying herself, burning herself, and then sewing on the dog head? If so, how? :Issues with the story itself: A lot of this feels like you wrote this all at once and were going from point to point without really telling the story effectively. The ending implies that you want it to be cyclical, but you don't really build off of that so the ending comes off more as an afterthought than an impactful ending. :There are other plot issues, but to be honest, this is getting longer than the story itself so I'm going to cut off the appeal here. I'm sorry, but there are way too many capitalization, punctuation, spelling, grammatical, run-on sentences, and plot issues present to meet the bare minimum of our quality standards. As such, I'm turning down this appeal and suggesting you use the writer's workshop (see link in your talk page) as this is a lot to overlook when writing and if you post another story with this many issues, it will be deleted. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:16, June 22, 2019 (UTC) Thanks for letting me know your a grammar nazi by not even including the way of grammar taught in different languages where we are not all egotistical enough to capitalize the letter I. :I'm sorry you're frustrated, but I'd like to remind you that you were the one who decided to post your story in english. If your native language is easier to speak/write for you, then I would suggest writing in it as your writing currently does not demonstrate a good grasp on the basic rules of english. I could point you in the direction of other Creepypasta sites in your native language where you are able to write without making as many errors. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:08, June 22, 2019 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:41, June 22, 2019 (UTC) Just remove my account as your dumb ass website does not allow us to delete our own.